So I was thinking today, on September 20 (today is the 14th), will me 11 months since my Grandfather Lester Shubin died. I have come to the understanding that the pain wears away after a while, and it has. For months, all I could think about was Grandpa. Especially if I was feeling down. Not a day went by that I didn't. I still think about him almost every day, but small things like, I wish I could've shown this or that to him.
Like today in sociology when we were talking about when people are socially margained for their looks or appearance. My teacher's example was someone being born without a limb. I thought of Grandpa and his two amputated legs. I was eventually able to adjust. I remember staring at people like that in public, feeling so bad for them and not being able to look away. And with grandpa, it didn't matter because I loved him, legs or no legs. The first time you see it, it's a shock and people are surprised to see or hear about it. I just got used to it, it was so hard to cope with when I first learned about his amputations. It was middle school, so I was around 13-14 years old. At first he just had a few toes amputated, then it was a leg. And then the other. I don't remember what it was like seeing it for the first time. I just know that I did get used to it, as hard as it was to imagine going through life without my legs. I used to be really closed about his amputations, but now I feel more open about them. It's life, it happened, he was able to cope so I should be able to too. I will always think of him when I see other amputees. My staring at them, is not because they have something missing, but because it reminds me of Grandpa.
Yes, these things do make me sad, but I'm glad I got the reminder that he'll always live on inside of me.
His 85th birthday would've been September 27th. And November 20, 2010 will mark the year anniversary of his death. I think the end of the year from Sept to Dec will always be sad. September for his birthday, November for his death, veterans day, and Thanksgiving. And then December for Hanukkah and my brother and I's birthdays.
I haven't been back to the cemetary he is burried in, since his funeral. I think his funeral was on November 30th. Honestly, the end of that month was such a blurr. I barely remember anything, other than the comfort my family recieved. Many sympathy cards, articles from websites & newspapers remind me of him daily. All of those are carefully stored away in a colorful box of mine. Time to time I will take a moment to look at them, and...well, bask in my misery. I can't be happy all the time, can I?
I do really want to go back to visit his grave. I know it will evoke emotion for my mom and I. I don't know about my dad, brother and grandma. I do expect myself to cry and probably everyone else. I mean, tears are buliding up in my eyes as I am writing this. It will be coming to terms with what my brain has been denying for a year. My grandpa is gone and I will never see him again. I just can't get my head around that. I remember the morning after the night he died. I slept in my parents room because my grandma slept in my bed. I tossed and turned all night, I probably had around 3 hours of sleep. I wasn't able to read or anything. I finally decided around 6:30am to be constructive and watch a movie on my iPod. After that, I heard my grandma up and washing. So I went downstairs and helped make us breakfast. And for some GODFORSAKEN REASON I was playing farmville. Which seems totally ridiculous and disrespectful to my dead grandfather. But I was addicted, and now I'm totally free of that monsterous game.
I do plan on writing a word doc of everything that happened the day of and following his death, for my personal records. Maybe my blog publishing or on Teen Ink. But definetly for my own satisfaction. Sigh...
I think I will call my grandma.
