All by myself? // the time I almost went to college

*Side note before you read my long post - we started a Facebook page for our house so visit it here: Cool Cat Cottage.

It's been a whirlwind of a day, with lots of emotions. I got up, dressed and had cereal. We worked on putting things away in the house and clarifying some of the things I will need to do before I leave for our renters the second week of June. Dad showed me things in the owner's closet in the basement, and how to use a skeleton key (difficult!!) to look our upstairs owner's closet. Our do-it-all-NJ house-guy, Bill, came by today. He has a lot of projects to do. Including coming early tomorrow morning to work on my windows. So since I don't want to scare him and he doesn't want to scare me, we agreed it would be best if I sleep in one of the other rooms while he is working in mine. It will be nice to have screens back in the windows and be able to open them.

We went to Bella Vida for lunch. Surprisingly it wasn't too busy. I tried something different, since I don't have to worry that we won't get back to try something different! A good thing about owning the beach house, more opportunity to branch out (and hopefully not just food related, though I know a great deal of my blogs are oriented around food!). So I had a waffle with banana, chocolate chips, walnuts and powdered sugar. And a side of the New Jersey delicacy - scrapple - and if you don't know what that is, don't ask. And definitely don't search it up.

Afterwards we went to Swain's Ace Hardware to pick up some cleaning products. I'll have to go back there next Saturday or whenever they get in our toilet bowl cleaners. Apparently CM was having a shortage on them?? We came home afterwards and did more packing and cleaning/organizing. I finished my book. We popped over to our friends Ron and Shelia's house, to say hi.They were getting their house ready for renters. They might be up when we're all here.

We came home and mom, dad and Michael finished packing. We had a very short and calm goodbye - probably sort of what my college goodbye should have been, except that there was no goodbye because I came home. I know that will impact me the rest of my life - despite already being at the college I wanted to go to (GMU). It still had that college abandonment feeling - but not until later.

I left shortly after them, to go to the Acme to get some food. I got lost going there, but was able to figure it out. I felt stupid getting lost because it's a place I've gone to a million times - though I have never driven there which is probably a big reason why. But I was in and out in 45 minutes, which was pretty fast considering the deli was so busy and probably took at least 10 minutes! I even got some healthy food :) but seriously I'm trying to be good since I'm at the beach and want to walk everywhere (well not really but I don't have a lot of choices) and want to lose some weight this summer. I came home, unpacked and ate some sushi I picked up at the Acme. I also marinated the chicken breasts I bought in Italian dressing, for dinner.

Clockwise starting upper left: Me marinating chicken, air plant & buttons, dinner while watching My Cat From Hell, Clara Beau Necklace.

I put on my sneakers and headed over to the mall. It was a really nice temperature out today, it if stayed around 70 degrees all summer I would be so happy! One of my favorite jewelry stores, Splash, was closed, so I went into my other fave jewelry store Henry's. I had been in March and they didn't really have many more different things. I really like their Alex and Ani bracelets, but think I will hold off until I go to Stone Harbor to shop. You never know what I will find and I don't want to blow my budget too fast. I did that two years ago and didn't have any money for a big portion of the trip. Live and learn. I save so much of my pet sitting money to buy things in Cape May, I have to be careful how I spend it as well as making sure I do save some for the rest of the summer in Virginia.

I went into Whale's Tale and found a new jewelry designer they just started carrying, called Clara Beau. I got a cute little anchor necklace. I also went over to Across the Way and picked up an air plant and a little bird glass to keep it in (I've wanted one of these plants forever) and a few buttons (my fave!).

I came home and put the chicken in the oven, since mom said it could take up to an hour to make. It only took a half an hour. I guess you never know with the oven here. The chicken came out great. I put it on top of the salad I made, with croutons and Parmesan cheese and dressing. I also had corn on the cob. It was really good, but I definitely got a wave of "I want mom" while I was eating. I don't really cook for myself since I live at home. I occasionally make the pot of mac and cheese but nothing like chicken. My mom showed me how to make the chicken last week at home so I would have easy meals for the beach. I also had lots of leftovers that will be good. Trying to eat healthy. I had bought a lemon meringue pie to have a slice of for dessert, but I didn't feel up to it. Whenever I'm stressed beyond normal standards I have trouble eating. And you know if it involves not eating dessert, it's serious. I think that living here by myself will just take some adjustment.I really, really haven't lived away from my parents for more than 4-5 days at a time - when they are in Cape May and I'm at home taking care of the cats and Michael. So it's obviously a culture shock to me.

I messaged with my friend Lindsay and she reminded me that it's a process and I have to get used to it. It was kind of funny to me that just eating a home cooked meal would trigger those anxiety feelings. I haven't felt like that really since I was trying to move into my dorm last August. It's like, after all that work moving in and getting all settled in, shouldn't I just put my best foot forward and stay? I knew staying at Longwood was not going to happen - I knew it all along. I think my parents knew too but they couldn't not make me try. And trust me, they did everything in their right minds to make me stay. I'm still grateful for that and all my friends and family who messaged me and stood behind me. It helped a lot, but I knew I wasn't going to stay.

So will it be the same with Cape May? It's funny sort of. To think that I don't want to be in my favorite place in the whole world. No, that's not really it. I just don't want to be alone here. And I'm not really alone because when I'm not doing something, I have a neighbor calling and checking in on me and my family texting me. It's not really as big of a deal as I'm making it. I mean my goodness it's only the first night! I do think that by not staying at Longwood, I lost some of my ability to deal with being totally on my own issues.  I know I'm not always going to live at home - and I'm definitely feeling ready to move out, but there are a lot of factors why I'm not ready yet.

So this post totally strayed from Cape May in a sort of non related venting session. But I think it's good for my friends and family to understand what I'm going through. Anxiety is a really hard thing to control, and as much as I have it together - I don't always have it together. But being able to write about it keeps me in check. I'm not perfect, my anxiety isn't perfect, but day by day I'm able to get through. Some days it's a struggle and other days it's a trip to the beach.

I actually have some plans for tomorrow, so make sure you check back!

Miss you mom, dad and Michael. Thank you for a beautiful beach house and the opportunity to stay here. I miss you lots. Give the kitties a pat for me. :)

xo,
capemaychick/Rachel